Listen First
When in an argument or conflict with your partner or someone close to you in your life, listen first. Many people are in so much pain that they have taken the stance of, “I will listen when you…” What if you were to listen first? What if you could breathe deeply, sit in your seat, and open to the person in front of you? What connection might be possible then?
Collective Suffering/Collective Healing
When we suffer we can feel totally alone and isolated. We may even isolate as a result of our suffering. Yet our suffering is actually what connects us with humanity. When you share about your suffering, you are offering a gift, a chance for others to resonate and bring forth their own suffering. You offer an opportunity for others to come out of hiding and into collective healing.
Character Strengths
Many of us have a very strong self-critical voice and are well practiced at putting ourselves down. It can be helpful to balance out the scales by identifying and looking out for evidence of your strengths. Check out the list below to see if any of these resonate. If you have a partner or a child, you can also do this with them, looking for the strengths in each other. Are there any other ones you can think of that are not included on this list?
Character Strengths
Flexible
Intelligent
Hardworking
Loyal
Open-Minded
Attractive
Kind
Goofy
Creative
Accepting
Strong
Friendly
Nurturing
Thoughtful
Confident
Optimistic
Respectful
Determined
Skilled
Helpful
Insightful
Funny
Patient
Sensitive
Realistic
Balanced
Honest
Generous
Modest
Innovative
Serious
Independent
Trusting
Cheerful
Decisive
Self-Directed
Relaxed
Listener
Brave
Enthusiastic
Forgiving
Humble
Organized
Down-to-Earth
Selfless
Practical
Focused
Resilient
Courteous
Grateful
Reliable
Positive
Responsible
Cooperative
Frugal
Tolerant
Mature
Motivated
At This Moment…
Sometimes when you are experiencing big feelings, they can feel as if they are the entire world and will last forever. This can cause us to reject our feelings and experience and suffer more as a result. The simple phrase “At this moment…” can be helpful to name, frame, and remind yourself that this is just your experience at this moment.
For example:
“At this moment…I feel anxious.”
“At this moment…I am worried.”
“At this moment…I am frustrated.”
“At this moment…I feel angry and tension in my jaw and shoulders.”
“At this moment…I am checking out and withdrawing.”
When experiencing anxiety, worry, fear…
You might ask yourself “What supports do I need right now?”
Acceptance
Developing acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to change your feeling about something and force yourself to be ok with it. Acceptance simply means seeing things as they are, regardless of whether you like it that way or not.
4 Mantras for Relationships
Darling, I am here for you.
Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy.
Darling, I know you suffer, that is why I’m here for you.
Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best to practice, please help me.
In an interview with Oprah, Thich Nhat Hanh offered a concise and powerful approach to healing conflict in your relationship. I’ve transcribed a clip of the video here:
Thich Nhat Hanh - “I’d like to talk about the mantras that you just mentioned. The first mantra is, “Darling, I’m here for you.” When you love someone, the best thing you can offer him or her is your presence. How can you love, if you are not there?
Oprah - That’s a lovely mantra, “Darling, I’m here for you.”
T - And you look into his eyes and you say, “Darling, you know something? I’m here for you.” You offer him or her your presence. And your true presence. You are not preoccupied with the past or the future, your project. You are for your beloved one. The second mantra is, “Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy because you are truly there.” You recognize the presence of your beloved one as something very precious. And you use your mindfulness to recognize that, embrace your beloved one with mindfulness and she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means to be recognized as existing. And these two mantras can bring happiness right away. Even if your beloved one is not there, you can use your telephone and practice the mantra.
O - “Darling, I’m here for you.”
T - Yah.
O - And “Darling, I know you’re there.”
T - The third mantra is what you practice when your beloved one suffers. “Darling, I know you suffer, that is why I’m here for you.” Before you do something to help her, to help him, your presence already can bring some relief.
O - And the acknowledgement of the suffering, of the hurting…
T - Yah, and the fourth mantra is a little bit more difficult, that is when you suffer. And you believe that your suffering has been caused by your beloved one, so you suffer so deeply. And you prefer to go to your room and close the door and suffer alone.
O - Yes.
T - You get hurt. And you want to punish him or her for having made you suffer.
O - Yes.
T - And the mantra is to overcome that. The mantra is, “Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best to practice. Please help me.” You go to him, you go to her, and practice that. And if you can bring yourself to say that mantra, you suffer less right away…
If you would like to study further, I recommend reading True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Please note: this book is a general recommendation and is in no way required to purchase by clients/patients. Any books recommended in the course of therapy can be purchased at the discretion of the client through any vendor of their choosing. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small amount from qualifying purchases at no expense to customers using the links below.
Sky Meditation
See yourself as the sky...thoughts, feelings, sensations like clouds coming and going, arising and falling away.
Where Are You At?
From what space are you listening? Where is your heart at when talking with your partner, with your friend, with your coworker, with your family?
Who’s Right?
I heard someone say once, “Would you rather be right, or be in relationship?” This is a great question to ask yourself when in an argument with a loved one.
Holding This Moment
My intention is to hold this moment with care, with compassion, with our presence.
When Aimless and Uncertain
If you are feeling aimless and uncertain, try this out. Breathe deep into your belly and say to yourself, "I don't know where I'm going, but I know I am right here and right now, this breath, sitting right here."
Beyond Mind
We often know ourselves through our thoughts and our feelings. Meditation invites us into an experience of ourselves outside of what we think or feel at any given moment.
I Thrive In Slow-paced Environments.
I never understood why “fast-paced environments” was something to brag about. I’m glad to have found therapy, where the focus is on slowing down, reflecting, feeling, taking a closer look, experiencing, breathing.
A Quick Tip For Couples
A lot of arguments and misunderstandings can be prevented by talking to each other face to face instead of texting or yelling from the other room.
Boundaries with Kindness
Setting boundaries can be done with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Letting others know about your limits doesn’t need to include putting them down, judging, or criticizing.